Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
