Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
