yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
