Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
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Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
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She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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