Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
