i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
