My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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