I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
