I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
