Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
