Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
