the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I can't put those talents on a resume
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
