foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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