Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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