I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
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