she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
