A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
She bit a glass in half.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
