I just cut my nipple shaving
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
my sisters under your porch take her home
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
