My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
