I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
