you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
