JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
