absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
