Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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