she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Randomize
