I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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