also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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