shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
