Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
