how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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