my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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