I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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