Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
