Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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