i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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