Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
