You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
