He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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