Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
