Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
