I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
