Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
