last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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