i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
