Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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