gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
