I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
