omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.