she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?