I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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