She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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