I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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