Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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