You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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