There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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