just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
