I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
