She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
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If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
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Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants