this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
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she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
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...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.